Hi, I’m Coach A-Man and today I will be breaking down this newsletter called “Why Does It Feel So Hard To Find A Man Who’s Willing To Take It Slow Sexually?”
Quick Summary
Why do men rush sex and how does a woman find her match? We have here a message from a woman who is frustrated about the dating and vetting process, which is completely understandable. Both men and women have a hard time in this stage and that is completely understandable, you are not alone. It just explains more the fundamental difference in how men and women approach initial dating interactions, particularly concerning physical intimacy and approaches. Let’s break down her experience here and let’s understand the energy and relationship dynamics that are in play. So let’s go through her message.
Why Does It Feel So Hard To Find A Man Who’s Willing To Take It Slow Sexually?
I want to preface this by saying obviously not all men are like this.
For background, I’ve only had one sexual partner and it was my first love. He, along with the last man that I dated, have been the only two people in about 10 years of dating that have been willing to take it slow with me sexually. Everyone else, regardless of what they say, has been interested in having sex with me as soon as possible.
I want to wait to have sex within the confines of a committed relationship (originally I was trying to wait till marriage). Sexual compatibility is very important to me but at the rate men want to go, it feels like I wouldn’t ever have time to become comfortable and feel safe with them, physically and emotionally and health-wise too.
Whenever I share my boundaries and tell them I want to take things slow, I know they likely won’t be around much longer. This is fine and I’m glad I stick to my boundaries, but at times I feel like I’m never going to find someone with similar values. And I really feel like this has largely contributed to the reason I am still single.
I’m not here to shame anyone for being sexual (I have a high libido myself – and yes it can be hard to manage this) or having preferences, but I just want to better understand my experiences and how I can go about finding a guy who is on the same page as me.
And please don’t tell me to go find a religious guy. I am spiritual and do have my own religion, but religious guys like to have sex quickly too. It doesn’t matter how or where I meet men, it’s always been an issue for me.
I’m an affectionate person and I love showing it, but I just don’t want to have sex early on. If I were having sex with everyone that tried within a number of weeks, I’d have slept with hundreds of men by now.
I think I just needed to vent, but if you have any advice or insight I would appreciate it. Thank you.
The Masculine Drive for Sexual Escalation
From a core masculine perspective, and also speaking as a man, the desire for sexual intimacy is often a primary driver in pursuing a woman. The reality is men want sex and fall in love way quicker as men fall in love within the first three seconds of meeting a woman, and women on the other hand fall in love more logically, women fall in love very slowly, and if the guy is doing everything right it will take 2 months from the first meeting to her saying “I love you” and yo completely falling in love. This is the reality. After countless stories, facts, from histories, time and time again this formula is what stands to be corrected. This is the reality. Like I keep saying, you have to take reality and see it for what it is, not better than it is or worse than it is but as it is. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, it’s just the truth. Men wanting and having the drive to have sex is the masculine energy because masculine energy is about the drive, to break through, to conquer, and to go past hardships to achieve their goals. This is what drove the top 3% of men in the world throughout modern times and history to take over the world and do revolutionary things. It’s part of the masculine energetic blueprint. Masculine and feminine energy have been like this ever since. Not understanding the other energy and how they properly work, function, and their motive will cause the other to misunderstand them and cause unnecessary mistakes. For many men, the masculine energy, physical intimacy is a direct expression of attraction and a way to gauge a woman’s interest and commitment. They are often operating from a place of “If she’s into me, she’ll want to be intimate quickly.”
When you, as a woman (as a feminine frame), set a boundary around sex and men’s advances obviously for your safety, comfort zone, and all that stuff, it can be perceived by men as a lack of interest, a challenge, or simply not aligning with their immediate agenda. Those who aren’t genuinely interested in a deeper connection, or who lack the patience and understanding for a slow build, will naturally filter themselves out. On the other hand, those men that have patience and who are interested in you even after your walls and necessary self-protection that you have laid out are more interested in you. Again, these are just the general formula. Not all men that have filtered themselves out are bad for you, and not all guys that have stayed and maintained to approach you are good for you. These are just signs and not a definition rule.. This is precisely what you’re experiencing, and in a way, it’s a good thing because it helps you weed out incompatible partners quickly.
Unshakable Frame and High-Value Boundaries
The fact that you consistently stick to your boundaries, even when it means men leave, demonstrates an unshakable frame and high self-worth. It does hurt and I very much understand what you are feeling. Men and women both feel the same way being rejected with the hope of getting their ideal or goal in a relationship, whatever it may be. It really is hard to maintain this standard and boundary and sometimes it feels that it’s much easier to give up and throw away the boundaries and the standards that you wanted to set for yourself. But I’m really happy and I respect you very much that you are sticking to your frame and standard because that makes you a high-value person. Anyone who does this tends to have a better future in whatever endeavor you implement this standard for, in your case in your relationship. This is what I try to teach men, and also some women who would love to listen, to have this standard and self-respect and implement it in every single endeavor in his or her life, from health, money, relationships, mindset, and everything else. This is a powerful and attractive quality. Always remember that like tends to attract like. People who tend to have the same qualities, good or bad, tend to attract each other. It will take longer for you to find that high-value person because high-quality is rare for a reason. So I very much suggest that you just hold on tight, have self-control, work on your patience, and that special guy will come through.
When you do this, you are effectively communicating to the men and to the world this: “My boundaries are non-negotiable, and I am not willing to compromise my comfort or values for a relationship until all or at least most of my wants and needs are met.” This aligns perfectly with being a high-value individual who understands her worth. However, just like I just previously said, it also means that the pool of men who are willing to meet you where you are will naturally be smaller. Many men, unfortunately, haven’t developed their emotional intelligence or their maturity to truly value a slow, deliberate courtship. Long-lasting, healthy, easy, and fun long-term relationships tend to exist this way, when it is slow and steady. They may lack the patience or the understanding of what it takes to build authentic connection and desire over time, but understand that you have to be strong if you really want that high-value relationship.
The Importance of Slow-Burn Attraction and Sexual Compatibility
You’re absolutely right that sexual compatibility is crucial, and rushing into sex can prevent you from truly assessing this in a safe and comfortable environment. Building emotional intimacy and trust before you get into physical intimacy allows for a deeper, more authentic connection to form. Quality takes time. When you hold back intimacy from men’s natural instinct to sleep with you then this is you checking and verifying the quality of the relationship and him as a person and you checking whether this relationship will take the long-term route. When sex happens too quickly, and it’s usually from both lack of control and lack of self-respect, it can often mask the lack of true compatibility in other areas. Very often if this is the case, it will create a situation where the relationship is primarily driven by physical attraction and basic 1st level, shallow intimacy rather than shared values and emotional connection that can last a long-time.
Your desire to feel comfortable and safe, physically and emotionally, before becoming intimate is not only valid but essential for a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. This creates a foundation where genuine desire can build organically.
Shifting Your Strategy
While it may feel like a needle in a haystack, men who are willing to take it slow do exist. They do, but they are in very little numbers but they do exist. Your experience isn’t about all men, but rather about the men you’ve encountered so far and perhaps the environments or approaches you’ve used for meeting them. Try doing these tactics to increase your odds of finding that man that you want, to improve your screening process, and to make use of time more effectively and efficiently.
- Communicate Your Values Early and Clearly: You’re already doing this, and it’s essential to continue. Don’t hide your desire to take things slow. Men like and understand direct communication and clear logic, so you have to actually say this word for word and be physically and literally display, say, and show it to us men so us men can understand what you want. Most men will respect this. I say most, because I don’t want you to take my word literally, because there is always that odd someone, that outlier, that exists, so just be aware of it.
- Focus on Building Friendship and Emotional Connection First: Instead of dating scenarios that often lead to pressure for physical intimacy, prioritize activities and interactions that foster genuine connection and friendship. Do things that will make you read him and understand what he is like rather than just going out on uncalculated “dates”. Look for men who are interested in getting to know you on a deeper level.
- Observe Their Actions, Not Just Their Words: Anyone can say they’re willing to take it slow. Actions speak louder than words. Please don’t take this in a rude or mean way, but women’s weakness, the average feminine frame, is words. This is why men lie because women fall in love with what they hear. I’m just saying here that you have to take an extra step to not trust their words fully yet until their words have been backed up by actions. This is also why it is important to look through their past. History and past actions doesn’t predict everything but it does give you a very close to accurate prediction. If their words are matching their actions, then proceed as so. If it’s not, then back off, move on, and never look back. Pay close attention to their behaviors. Do they try to push boundaries? Are they pushy? Do they respect your “no”? Do they continue to invest time and energy even when sex isn’t on the table?
- Look for Signs of Emotional Maturity and Patience: These men that you want often have a greater understanding of what it takes to build a lasting relationship because they tend to have the same self-value, self-control, and self-discipline just as you do. They are less driven by immediate gratification and more by long-term connection. I just want to say it to you again that these men do exist, but the number of these men would be smaller.
- Expand Your Social Circles: The more “known” or exposure you are, then the odds of finding this man will increase. This is a simple, realistic, common sense fact. So consider activities or groups that align with your values and interests. While you mentioned religion isn’t a silver bullet, look for communities built around shared principles, hobbies, or intellectual pursuits where the focus isn’t immediately on dating or sexual chemistry.
- Trust the Filtering Process: It’s frustrating I know. From my end it’s very hard to find high-quality women too but I know that they are out there I know, just like you are out here. I’m just saying this to give you an insight that it does take a lot of time, patience, and sometimes heartbreak to find this relationship that we aim for. Every man who walks away because of your boundaries is making space for the right one. See it as self-selection working in your favor. Your value isn’t diminished by men who aren’t a match for your timeline. It’s all about the numbers and repetition.
- Maintain Your High Libido and Affectionate Nature: Don’t suppress these aspects of yourself. I would say to integrate it with who you are as a person. Let it shine and use it to express yourself. Obviously don;t go overboard and control as a civil and high-value person. I’m just saying that you don’t want to suppress and hold this back because this is you holding back yourself from who you could become. The right man will appreciate your affectionate nature and will be excited about the eventual sexual intimacy that comes from a place of deep connection and trust. Your high libido will be a positive once you’ve established that safe and committed space.
Ultimately, this is about aligning with a man whose relationship strategy and timeline for intimacy are compatible with yours. Continue to hold your unshakable frame, communicate your boundaries with confidence, and trust that by doing so, you are actively attracting the man who truly values you and is willing to invest in the deep, slow-burn connection you desire. It will take a lot of time, patience, control, self-respect, and everything of these kinds from you but it’s very important to vet your possible man for your relationship very carefully. If not, it will cause a lot of unnecessary problems in the future. I wish you the best and I hope you find your man. Good luck on your journey.
