Hi, I’m Coach A-Man, and today I would be breaking down this newsletter called “My Girlfriend Wants Me To Move In With Her. How Do I Say No?”
Quick Summary
We have a message here from a guy who wrote a classic situation that many young men find themselves in, especially when facing life transitions. His 24-year-old girlfriend, whom he’s been dating for 10 months, wants him, a 19 year old man turning 20 soon, and she insists on moving in with her. His parents want him to either pay rent or move out at 20, and he admits that he’s scared to move in with his girlfriend, even though he can’t quite articulate and say what and why he’s feeling this way. He’d rather find a way to pay rent at home because that makes him more confident because he is uncertain to move out yet. This is a critical moment for a young man, and how you handle it will set the tone for your relationship and your life. Especially to other young men reading this, take some pointers and maybe you’ll learn some and that you can use it for your life.
So let’s go through his message.
How to Say No to Moving in With Your Girlfriend
So my girlfriend and I have known each other since we were really young. She’s my older sister’s friend from middle school. We first met when she was 14 and I was 9, so 10 years total and we have only started dating for 10 months now. She is a therapist and makes good money doing so, I’m currently in school to be a system administrator like tech shit. Well when I turn 20 my parents want me to either start paying rent or move out. The problem is I currently don’t make a lot of money at my job and I won’t be able to afford my own place. My girlfriend insists on me moving in with her and we can figure out the financials as we go but for some reason I’m scared to. I don’t really know why. I’m not scared of her or anything but I’d rather find a way to pay for rent at home before moving in with her. I sleep over at her house every weekend so it’s not like I’m not there a lot. I just don’t know what to do or how to tell her without a concrete reason behind it.
TL;DR I have to move out or start paying rent at 20 years old. My girlfriend wants me to move in with her but I’m scared to and I honestly can’t tell you why.
There’s a couple of things and pointers from his message and we’ll break it down. At 19, you’re still very young. You’re at the very beginning of your adulthood. The idea for you to do in your 20s is to experiment and find ways to set your life up for your 30s and to experiment with stuff from all aspects and that you have to be confident. You want to set your life up so when you experiment and go out of your comfort zone with things you want to become better at you have a nice place to go back on. At 19, you’re still building your foundation and career. Your life stage is significantly different from your 24-year-old girlfriend with her being an established therapist. She might be on that stage in life as a woman that she’s now extremely thinking about settling down and now hoping for a family sometime very soon. As you mentioned, you have known each other for very long now since you were 9 and she was 14. Ten months is a very short time to have this commitment of this level yet with you being 19 and you two dating for 10 months. The idea is you want to date for years first before committing to something like this in my opinion.
What you want to do is date for a couple of years first, ideally 3 years, because you want to see what she is really like. You want to know how she handles the communication, is she really loyal, is she ride or die, can she handle tough times in the relationship, will she break under pressure, or things like that. You want to know someone first for a long time before committing to them and go through a tough time together so you can identify and determine if she is really the one for you. What usually happens early on in the relationship since the relationship is new, the feelings are heightened and it feels like that fate and the universe aligned the relationship is for them and they would rush the relationship and do all the commitments such as having a baby, marriage, buying a new house together, and things of these nature. Since the relationship is new, it has been really tested and you don’t really know the person yet, then a crisis comes along and the relationship falls apart and it turns from passionate lover to roommates, or at worse some nasty breakup situation. Before all of this, most times you always have that gut feeling or instinct, prior to your decision, that is telling you something. That gut feeling of unease is your concrete reason and you want to believe that. In your situation, if moving in feels like its a perceived financial necessity or it feels like you want to move in with her just to not “argue”, or not “break her heart”, or just to make her “happy” sacrificing what you really want rather than a genuine, mutual desire for deeper commitment, then you shouldn’t do it. It will only increase the risk of you being unhappy in the long term if something comes up because you didn’t want to do it initially. You don’t want that for your relationship.
The Age and Life Stage Gap
You’re 19, still in school, building your career, entering true adulthood, and more than likely you don’t really know much about relationships and the full scale of it. You’re very young. She’s 24, an established therapist, and possibly looking for a deeper commitment and relationship. Her desire to “nest” and settle by the sound of it is natural for her age and life stage. Yours is different because yours should be about building your purpose, your career, and your independence. Moving in at 19 with her, especially out of perceived necessity, can derail your focus on becoming a truly self-sufficient man. If your instincts are telling you to not move in, then trust that instinct and let this sit for a while. Stay and pay your rent at your parent’s house and try that first.
Relationship Timeline
Like I mentioned previously, 10 months in a relationship is still very early to move in with her and “settle” through committing with shared responsibilities, especially for a relationship with such an age and life-stage difference. In the beginning, the focus should be on “hanging out, having fun, and hooking up”, getting to know each other deeply without the pressures of cohabitation, or rushing into big commitments. Rushing commitments often kills the mystery, the romance, and eventually, the attraction within the relationship.
Your Gut Feeling
My girlfriend insists on me moving in with her and we can figure out the financials as we go but for some reason I’m scared to. I don’t really know why. I’m not scared of her or anything but I’d rather find a way to pay for rent at home before moving in with her.
You said you’re “scared” and that you “don’t really know why”. Your gut is telling you something important. You have to listen to it. It’s your subconscious mind warning you that this isn’t right for you at this stage. Maybe it’s because you’re not very confident about the commitments or the strengths of the relationship yet, not confident with the responsibility for the financial aspect of it, or some other reasons. The reasons don’t matter. What matters is you don’t like that idea and you have a gut feeling. If you have that gut feeling, then you should trust it. As a man, you must listen to your gut and trust your instincts. Your “concrete reason” is your feeling of unease. I wouldn’t recommend committing with her yet in the house arrangement but do dig more deeper into why you’re feeling this way about it and what you are bothered by.
The “Financials As We Go” Trap
While her offer might seem generous and true, moving in for financial convenience (due to your parents’ ultimatum) rather than pure desire for deeper commitment puts you in a weaker position. What you want is to be true for the relationship and for yourself. You’re not confident with moving in with her, so don’t move in. If you do so, then it will make you feel like you need her rather than you actually wanting to have more responsibilities, which over time will become the ultimate attraction killer. You lose your leverage and freedom. Read my newsletter “What Are The Biggest Mistakes Men Make That Push Women Away?” for a more detailed breakdown.
Becoming a Roommate, Not a Lover
You’re already sleeping over at hers every weekend. You’re still seeing her, hanging out with her, and having a good time. Keep it this way because this is what you truly want and not more unnecessary responsibilities when you have the option to not have it yet. That’s a good amount of time together. Moving in too soon often turns the passionate lover dynamic into a comfortable, mundane “roommate” situation. The mystery dies, the chase ends, and sexual polarity often fades. While you can, don’t take unnecessary responsibilities. If she’s in a different state or country maybe it’s a different opinion and perspective, but for yours just stay with your parents. You have more leverage, safety, and power that way.
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Steps For You to Handle This Like a Man of Value
As a man of value, you don’t make decisions out of fear, desperation, or convenience. You want to decide on things because you truly want to do it and it feels like that is the best way you can offer yourself to your purpose and your relationship. The priority is always yourself because there will be no relationship if you are not you. Make your decisions based on your purpose, your boundaries, and what serves your highest good.
1. Listen to Your Guts
Your feeling of being “scared” and “not knowing why” is the reason why you shouldn’t do it. You don’t need a logical explanation for your gut feeling. Just trust it because that is your truth. Tell her, “I love spending time with you, and I really value our relationship, but something in my gut tells me it’s just not the right time for me to move in with anyone right now. I need to focus on becoming financially independent and getting my own place first” or something along these lines. You have to communicate and say what truly is inside you and you have to communicate it to her effectively by direct and straightforward but don’t say anything that will make it rude or make her feel that you don’t want to move in with her because of “her”. Just communicate that it’s bothering you and that you’d rather just stay home and pay your rent at your parent’s house because there is a lot of uncertainty that you’re not confident with and you don’t like to be put in that place and that you’d rather stay with your current setup. Say it this way and she’ll understand because it’s deeply what you feel and she’ll sense it because she’s a therapist.
2. Own Your Parents’ Ultimatum
Your parents’ rule is about your growth, not her solution. Your parents are forcing you to grow but in a controlled environment and they are making you stand up for yourself. You need to find your own way to manage your living situation and decide for yourself. This is a challenge for you to overcome, and not for her to solve. If she is insisting for you to move in with her but you are uncomfortable with it then you should just say to her along the lines of, “I appreciate you wanting to help me out, but this is something I need to figure out on my own. It’s important for me to stand on my own two feet financially before I consider the idea of living together and the responsibilities.”
3. Maintain Your Masculine Frame
You lead your life. You have to set and lead it to where you want it to go. It’s scary but you set the pace. If you move in because you feel pressured to, you will lose your masculine frame. This isn’t her decision to make for you. You are the one who decides when and if you move in. Move when you want to move in because you want to. What you want to say to her is somewhere along the lines of, “I’m really enjoying where we’re at right now, and I want to keep things fun and passionate like how we are now. Moving in together right now feels like it would rush things that make me very uncomfortable and uneasy, and change the dynamic too much for me”.
4. Focus on Your Purpose
At 19, your purpose should be mastering your studies, building your career as a system administrator, and becoming financially independent. That should be your only mission. Your priority is to have your own life and to set it to where you will be comfortable and more confident. Everything that makes you uncomfortable, uneasy, and less confident you shouldn’t do because you are only hurting your potential and you are stunting your growth as a man. A woman wants to join a man with momentum and confidence, not be the solution to his housing problem. That’s the idea.
5. Be Willing to Walk Away (If Necessary)
If she pushes back hard, guilt-trips you, or tries to manipulate you, then that’s a huge red flag. A woman who truly loves and respects you will respect your boundaries and your need for independence. Her being a therapist she will understand this. If she can’t accept your decision, then she’s not the right woman for you long-term. You must be willing to walk away from what doesn’t serve you. Your goal is to grow as a man and have the confidence to go through life as so. If moving in will affect it in your opinion, then you shouldn’t do it.
The Bottom Line
You’re still a young man. You’re building your future, you still don’t know yet what you truly want, and you’re still in the early stages of the relationship. Moving in now, especially given your internal hesitation and external pressures, would be a mistake that could ruin your confidence, the attraction, holding your personal growth back, and it might ruin your relationship more in the long term if you proceed to do so. Be firm and direct, but do be kind and loving in your delivery. What you want to say to her is your reasoning and not make her feel like it’s her fault for not wanting to move in. But be uncompromising on your need for independence and to set the pace of your own life. You deserve a relationship built on genuine desire and mutual respect, not convenience or perceived obligation.
