Hi, I’m Coach A-Man, and today I would be breaking down this newsletter called “I Have Never Been In A Relationship”.

Quick Summary

Here we have an email from a guy who says he is 17 years old and hasn’t been in a relationship. From his email, he’s saying that he’s worried about why he’s not in a relationship and is wondering on ways to find himself in a relationship and be with a woman. What you need to understand first is that women who are in their feminine energy are attracted to a man in his masculine energy. Masculine energy is an energy that is outward. An energy that shows that he is confident, has a purpose, stable in his life, independent, self-sufficient, content with how his life is, and has emotional control. So the idea is if you want to find a woman, then your focus first should be is to work on yourself first. Remember that a woman wants a man who loves and takes care of himself. A woman will be repelled if you are desperate and if she can sense that you are looking for another “mommy” to take care of you and give pity for you. She wants a strong man that she can depend on so that she can open herself up and relax  with his presence and know that he can take care of everything.

So let’s go through his email.

“I Have Never Been In A Relationship

Hi, I am 17, male. I have never been in a relationship and looking at people my age being happy with their partner makes me feel happy for them and also a bit lonely. I have seen many girls around my area but I am not confident enough to talk to them since I am not good looking and don’t look my age as well (I look way younger). What qualities do girls my age look for in boys which make them stand out?”

What Do You Have To Offer?

Your Inner Foundation

You first have to have a core and a back bone, to have an unshakable confidence. This is what you should focus on more than anything else. Not chasing women or anyone. What you first need to do is work on yourself. The concept of why this should be your priority first is to become confident, then to find your purpose and master yourself. Like any other relationship, ask yourself “What Do You Have To Offer?”. Attracting, not chasing is the idea with women. A man should have a purpose because that is the main thing that attracts a woman to him. A man with a vision for his life becomes a magnetic force for opportunities and to other women. When a man has a purpose, a woman to him becomes a reward and not a goal. Find your purpose first that extends beyond finding a partner. A confident don’t chase because he knows that the more he chases away a women, the more she runs away. So he know that attracting women is the best approach to attract them.

What To Understand

Women are drawn to strength, direction, and competence from a man. When you are focused on becoming excellent in your own life, whether it’s a skill, a career, or a passion, you radiate an attractive aura and vibe that you are independent from the outside, the inside, and it shows that you are self-sufficient. This signals to a woman that you are a man of value and not just simply looking to “fill” a void. This would signal to women that you don’t want a woman “just” to have a woman. You have to understand the difference between masculine and feminine energy. Women want to be a compliment to their man’s life. Women don’t want to be the goal for him. Read some of the other newsletters that I made here at “WorkandDating.com” so you can get more insights.

What You Should Do

Identify what you like and enjoy doing first. List all of your goals and passions down, both significant or little. Identify and actively pursue them. Put “getting a girl” or getting into a relationship at the back of the list.  It should be the least of your problems, or not at least after your prioritize yourself first. Let’s say that you wrote down that you enjoy going to the gym, going for a run, working, or reading books. Then what you should do is focus on them and become better at them. Set new goals for yourself around those said goals or passions. You might set new goals around them like hitting a new record for your weights  at the gym, hitting a new personal record, or going and training for a marathon, or moving and trying other gyms and running clubs, or increasing the number of books that you read in month or a week, or going to a new library every week, or focusing yourself at work from working on a promotion or starting a new side hustle. The idea is that you have to focus on yourself and put yourself first. What this means is that you set your personal goals and you do your best to achieve them. Then once you achieve them, you go and set new ones. What this will do for you is shift your focus from other people and other unnecessary things, and actually work on something that will actually make you a better individual. The biggest one would is be so that you can be an independent man, to be working for yourself and not dependent on someone for your income and to be happy and content with just yourself and if someone comes along then she would be a compliment to your life, not your whole life. Commit to daily self-improvement in areas like physical fitness, intellectual growth, and professional development. Develop new unique skills or knowledge that will make you interesting and capable.

The Concept

The idea of you focusing and working on yourself is to increase your self-value for yourself. As a result, this will make you look at yourself with value and that will give you confidence that you can then offer to other people. It can be through your energy, knowledge, or other opportunities. The reason you can’t get into a relationship is because you’re not confident. Women can sense this. They can sense it from your approach, how you walk, how you talk to them, how you dress, and everything else. It’s an energy, and women can feel energy. You can’t fake it. If you’re not content and satisfied with yourself, then women will not want you. They’ll feel this and you will drag them down with you if you are like this when you’re talking to her. Women want to be happy and just have fun. If they sense that you are not happy and content with yourself, then they’ll move on and date someone who is. Your mindset should be that your happiness and worth are internal and not external validation. You are a complete man, with or without a woman.

Needy energy and desperation repels women. It’s counterproductive to your goal of getting a woman. Read my article “What Are The Biggest Mistakes Men Make That Push Women Away?” for a more detailed analysis and breakdown for this. True confidence comes from an internal sense of worth that isn’t based on a woman’s approval or the success of your interaction with them. If you don’t need it, you are more likely to get it. It is a scientifically proven fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Your emotional state should be stable regardless of how your interaction with a women goes. This is why it is important to focus on yourself so you gain a sense of self-worth. If you are worth something, then you’re not going to take disrespect and settle for less. Why would you?  Why would you settle for someone who is not attracted to you if you know that you are worth more. This gives you the confidence and strength to walk away so you can keep looking until you are satisfied, without feeling that you are failing or hopeless.

The Art of Perception

Perception is reality. Just like when you are in a job interview or when you meet people for the first time, you put on your best face that increases your odds to be liked or to get whatever your goal is for your first impression. Why? Because people respond to what they see and how you present yourself, and not just with your intrinsic qualities. What you need to understand is although intrinsic qualities like “good looks” are subjective, a man’s presentation is entirely within his control. To the masculine energy, good looks is not the biggest thing that a woman looks for in a man. Experience, confidence, and stability is what they look for. If you look “younger” than you are or if you don’t feel great about your looks, you can still show you’re a grown-up, experienced, confident, put-together, and a lively person just by how you dress and keep yourself neat. This is about projecting an image of a man who takes care of himself and has high standards because he is worth something. What you can do to increase your perceived value is to invest in a mature, well-fitting wardrobe that flatters your physique and aligns with the image of a confident man. Find and wear clothes that make you confident and show that you are proud of who you are. If you’re a man with a long beard and like flannels, then make sure that it fits you well, you look clean, your beard is maintained and groomed properly, good hygiene, and you smell good. If you have a nice physique, then wear something that shows it off. Let’s say a nice fitted shirt, short sleeved or long sleeve, and wear pants and clean shoes. If you look younger, then make to sure find something that will make you more “put-together”. The idea for you to do this is to show your confidence through how you wear your clothes, how you take care of yourself, and how you talk and move. Prioritize good hygiene and grooming like haircut, skin care, and hygiene. When you walk, practice a strong, open posture, and confident body language. Don’t fidget or do anything that will make you  look submissive or unsure.

Remember that presence and your internal strength speaks louder than words. This is what women want in a relationship with a man. This is what attracts women, it’s the confidence. So keep it in your mind when you do whatever you do to approach a woman and remember to project an aura of calmness and that you are capable. Understand that your masculine energy is what will attract her, not your feminine energy. They want to feel your strength and that you have emotional control. A man should always be calm, collected, and always has a purpose when he moves and with every interaction. He is not nervous, desperate, needy, eager, or anything that will show to a woman that he has no inner strength. All of these will create a challenge for a woman to try and “win”  you, which is what a woman wants to do for a man that she is interested in, and it shows that the man has a sense of security. When you approach women, remember to practice direct and hold your eye contact when you talk to women. Speak clearly, calmly, and a pace that shows you’re in control of your thoughts and your words. Do avoid wondering too much when you talk and to constantly ask for constant affirmation with her. This will make you seem needy and desperate. And remember to have a habit of listening more than talking. The general rule for this is the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time she will be talking and the 20% of the time when you talk is just asking her more questions that will make her talk more. This will show her that you are showing a genuine interest in her rather than waiting for your turn to speak.

Your Strategy to Meet Her

Attraction is not a choice. Remember that attraction is a process triggered by specific behaviors and interactions, not a random occurrence. Remember that the best odds for you to get her is just to present yourself in the best way you can and to leave it whatever the result will be. Her attraction to you is dependent on many other things and there is nothing you can do about it if a girl is not attracted to you. Attraction is not a choice. She might have a bad day, or she grew only attracted to certain personalities, or she might like you but she already likes someone already and is chasing him. For whatever reason that is, she is what she is and she is attracted to whatever she is attracted to. Women do what they want to do. You can’t force yourself to want you, nor you should want to. You should only focus on women who are interested in you, and if they are not attracted to you then you just say your goodbye, don’t be rude, and move on to the next. Understand the dynamics of how interest develops, especially how women’s interests develop. Remember that women are not men and that they react positively to masculine energy and not feminine energy. Masculine energy which is confidence, strength, and emotional strength. 

Don’t guess or hope about being in the relationship of your dreams. Observe, learn, and adapt. Make sure to put yourself out there, to practice these, and be hurt. You only live once, so you might as well try these. The actions that you should be doing and practicing should be is to create opportunities for attracting women, and not just receiving it. Recognize that the initial interest is often subtle for a woman. So you have to be subtle and have experience. How you do this is to do a number of approaches and interactions with women. Read my article “How to Meet New Friends After a Breakup” for a more detailed breakdown. Go out there and practice small conversations. Start from your local market, grocery, or mall, or other public places that will allow you to practice your approach. Start initiating conversations with a confident, open demeanor. Show a vibe that you are fun, confident, and not desperate or creepy. Focus on creating a positive, light, and engaging interaction that engages the woman you are talking to, rather than interrogating her with generic and boring questions. If you have the same passion or hobby as her, then this would be a much better approach since you two already have something similar that you can start a conversation about. As you talk to her, observe subtle signs of interest, from eye contact, body language, questions, her enthusiasm, effort towards you, and anything of this nature. If interest isn’t there, calmly move on. Keep repeating and practicing and i guarantee you’ll find the girl of your dreams this way.