Hi, I’m Coach A-Man, and today I would be breaking down this newsletter called “How Big Should I Go For My New Girlfriend’s Birthday?”
Quick Summary
Seven weeks in, feeling a little pressure for your girlfriend’s birthday because you want to be special to her. We have here a message from a guy who is worried and wanting advice on how to go on about his birthday date plan for his girlfriend. It’s a decent plan I might say. It’s very thoughtful, intimate, and has a lot of opportunities for deep connection. Most guys would pat you on the back. Me as well. But let’s break it down how you should really do it and the reasoning for why.
He is asking “how big should I go?”. A very good question to ask and it shows that you care for her. This is a sign of a high-value man because a high-value man cares for his woman’s experience and feelings. I would also add a question that you should also be asking which is, “how can I continue to deepen attraction and demonstrate my value in a way that feels authentic and not too over-the-top?” This isn’t about spending a certain amount and splashing but it’s about understanding the psychology of early-stage relationships and avoiding the traps that can turn a good relationship into a shit one. So let’s go through his message.
How Big Should I Go For My New Girlfriend’s Birthday?
She will be 39. As we sit now, we have been dating for 7 weeks. Our first date was at the end of May, we went exclusive last weekend, her birthday is in a month.
My current plan is to take her to a upscale speakeasy that has some very interesting vibes, cocktails and food. Followed by a string-quartet concert. I got her a cute gift related to one of her interests, nothing too expensive. I plan to have flowers delivered to her house in the morning of her birthday.
Thoughts? I really have no idea what I should aim for relatively early in the relationship.
Over-Pursuit & Validation Seeking
Okay. From his message, we got a few information that we can work with. You’ve been dating for seven weeks, went exclusive last weekend (at the time of the message obviously), and her birthday is a month away. This is a critical period. Why is it a critical period? Because you are still in the beginning stage of the relationship. In the beginning is where you generally set the standard of the relationship. Let’s say for an example that a person in a relationship got used to a certain type of treatment, then he or she will assume that will be the standard in the relationship and he or she will be expecting that sort of standard. If that makes sense. Basically the idea is that in the initial stage of the relationship, you and her are setting up how each person will be treated and how they will give to each other. Obviously you can’t go overboard and be extreme with giving to the other person, and neither not giving to the other person will work. The key here is the balance.
Thoughts? I really have no idea what I should aim for relatively early in the relationship.
You completely are asking the right question here because you want to find the balance and the “in-between”. Unfortunately some men fall into this trap too because they are clueless in the section. Some men feel that the feeling of being in “exclusive” label is that suddenly you have to shift into overdrive and to go all out. Unfortunately this mindset won’t work. You’ll realize that once they start doing too much, too soon, it drives the woman away and she “loses” attraction. When men do this, it’s often coming from a place of insecurity. When men do this to the woman (under that wrong circumstance) she will see that he is trying very hard to “lock her down” and it feels to her that he is “bribing” her. This ruins the attraction. And I think that it’s important to break this down so we can shed light into this problem and give you things that you can do so you get the result that you want, which is to be in a happy long-term relationship with your woman.
The biggest trap here is over-pursuit. Since we don’t know the full story, we are going to assume that you followed the steps that I have been teaching in my book “The Art of Dating”. If you want a free copy, then just go to my website WorkandDating.com, go to the Products section on the menu on the top of the website, follow the prompts, and get your free copy. Had to plug but it’s part of the information that we are going to break down here. Anyways, let’s get back to work.
My current plan is to take her to a upscale speakeasy that has some very interesting vibes, cocktails and food. Followed by a string-quartet concert. I got her a cute gift related to one of her interests, nothing too expensive. I plan to have flowers delivered to her house in the morning of her birthday.
You’ve done well by not making the first date too intense, you were smooth, the dates were easy and fun for her, and that she initiated to become exclusive. Your current plan to celebrate her birthday isn’t terrible on its face. It’s very sweet and thoughtful and this is the goal. However, the risk is in the energy behind it and how you are going about it. It’s not the “what” but rather the “how”. Is this coming from a place of genuine desire to celebrate her, or from a need to impress, to get a specific reaction, or to assuage your own anxieties about the relationship’s new exclusive status? If it’s the latter, even a perfectly planned celebration can feel heavy and desperate. The idea here is not what you are doing, but how she is going to perceive it. Women are highly attuned to a man’s underlying intentions. They can smell neediness a mile away. They can sense it because women naturally have this radar and sensor to sniff bullshit. Men don’t have this.
What You Should Do: Analyze Your Frame
Your main focus here should be the continuation, not escalation for validation. You are already exclusive. Your job now is to continue demonstrating the qualities that attracted her in the first place to you: fun, easy smooth conversations, confidence, purpose, a strong sense of self, and charm. The birthday is an opportunity to enjoy her company and celebrate her, not to try and buy her affection or prove you’re “good enough”. Keep this in mind. It’s not what you do, but how you do it. This is why you see millionaires and billionaires getting cheated on by their wife by the gardener. It’s not about what you can give to her (speaking from an object and literal things perspective) but rather what you make her feel. Women are emotional, so be emotional and thoughtful for her birthday. Make it a fun, flirty, easy, and smooth date.
Subtle Signals & Authentic Gestures
She’s 39. At this age, women have seen it all. Just from the experience and time alone that they have spent in this world, they have seen and heard about all stories that can be heard. They can easily smell bullshit and things that are wrong just by sensing it. This is why your approach and mindset must be on point. There should be less room for error. They’ve dated men first hand and heard stories from their girlfriends about men who try to impress them with grand gestures, and they’ve likely been disappointed by men who don’t deliver on promises or who are all flash and no substance. They can sense men that are trying to impress them are mainly trying to get one thing, inside her pants. Your plan is thoughtful, which is a good start, but the key is the delivery. The speakeasy and concert show you put thought into her interests (assuming that she is interested in this or a fan of this setup from the band, type of music, type of environment, and crowd), and the small gift and flowers are classic, appreciated gestures. But again like I said, It’s the thought and how you deliver/present the whole thing is what really matters and is it matched to her personality.
Here’s where you need to apply the principles of “reading her signs”. The idea of reading her signs is just the idea that you are analyzing her subtle body languages and signs of interest or disinterest. It’s very subtle and ever so subtly. It is very important to pay really close attention to “how” she is reacting than to “what” she is saying. This is the key to analyzing women. Ask yourself questions about your date setup and if she is going to like it based on her personality. Is she a loud person, shy, intimate, outgoing, reserved, or something else? Is she going to enjoy the vibes, cocktails, and food that you have planned for the date? Is she going to like the string concert that you have mentioned? Is she a fan of these performances? The type of music, type of environment, the crowd, and the vibe of it? Does it feel like she will enjoy it? Is she appreciative more of the experience or does she prefer the lavish spending? Does she appreciate expensive items or thoughtful gestures like a written note, flowers, a small gift, and all these things? The experience, the vibe, and the how, again, is the most important thing here. Is it better to combine certain things because she’ll like it more? Ask yourself these questions and curate it to your specific situation. Again, the thought of you celebrating is a very intimate gesture in of itself, but the way you do it matters. Present it as a confident man, present it that it is seen and felt as an “easy and fun”, and keep in mind that the experience is what creates and increases her attraction towards you. You can have zero or little to no money to get the same result to get her attraction for you to go up. Money helps, but what I am trying to imply here is to focus on what will increase her attraction towards you, not on how much money you spend on her and the date.
What You Should Do: Refine Your Delivery & Observe
Your current plan is already solid. It shows effort and an experience that she will enjoy. Here’s how to nail the delivery and keep your masculine frame and things that you want to keep in mind:
- The “Invitation” Text/Call:
- Keep it confident and concise. When you message her and when you are about to tell her that you have set this date up for her, say something like: “Hey, for your birthday, I have set and organized this date up that I know you will love. My plan is we start things off at [Speakeasy Name]. I heard they have some incredible [unique features, e.g., ‘elixirs’] that I feel that you will love, then catch a string quartet concert. I also have a few gifts for you that I am excited for you to open up. How does that sound?”. Something I would do because it is my personal style is to become full mysterious, cool, and exciting. Obviously it depends on your confidence level but I would say something along the lines of, “Hey pretty girl. Your birthday is soon and I have planned this very fun date that you will love. I already handled everything and it is all organized for us. There will be good food, vibe, and experience like nothing you have ever seen before. The only thing I want for you to do is to join me. If you say yes, I would ask you to pick an evening dress, for a formal setting (or whatever the setup is), and I will pick you up in your house at [a specific time and day]. What would you say?”.
- Deliver it with a slight playful confidence. Don’t ask, “Is that okay?” or “What do you think?” You’re presenting a prepared, thoughtful experience. Her job is to say yes. Be specific and straight forward, but mix it with playfulness and calmness.
- During the Date:
- Focus on presence and enjoyment. Don’t talk about future dates or the “status” of the relationship. Be present, enjoy the conversation, the food, the music. Talk to her and communicate with her and let her just naturally talk and open up about whatever she wants to talk about. Be flirty. Start from gradual flirty and increase it as so. Escalate. This is what the feminine energy wants. Experience over everything else.
- Observe her reaction. Does she light up at the speakeasy? Is she genuinely engaged in the concert? These observations are gold for future dates. They tell you what truly resonates with her. Observe and pay attention to everything. If you can sense that she is not having fun or not opening up, then you have to adjust. If she is having fun and opening up, then escalate.
- Money Doesn’t Matter
- Experience Over Price: Obviously money can be a factor for fun dates and experiences, but it is still an important factor to keep in mind that her experience, her having fun, her being engaged, and her attraction level towards you is what truly matters. It’s going to be much more fun to have a date at Disneyland than a walk at the park. But if you can’t read and pay attention to her attraction level towards you, then no amount of money will work to make her want you.
- Observe her reaction. There is a difference between being a “gold-digger” and a woman enjoying the experience that was paid for. A ‘gold-digger’ is just on you for the date and the experience and her attraction towards you is very low and you can sense this because you are paying attention to her signs and body language. An average woman is not like this, but it’s important to keep this in mind. Women like this are only there to use you, this is why I emphasize to pay attention and watch her because they are only out there for that reason.
Purpose, Discipline, & Value
This birthday isn’t just about her; it’s also about you. It’s about how you continue to embody the principles of a high-value man. Discipline and purpose is your job as the man. Your purpose isn’t to be her entertainer or provider of endless validation. Your purpose is to build an incredible life for yourself, and she gets to be a part of that. What you are doing here is to show yourself that you have built this life for yourself and she gets to be a part of it (in this situation) by giving her the opportunity to experience it as well.
“Less Is More”
In the early stages, especially when you’ve just gone exclusive, less is often more when it comes to grand gestures. This is still to set the standard of the relationship and to still gauge her attraction level towards you and to work on increasing it. This isn’t about being stingy. It’s about being strategic and intentional because what should be happening here is to show that you care about her but she also has to work for it so that you don’t feel “devalued” when you do give to her the fruits of your successful life. Your current plan is good because it’s an experience and a thoughtful gift, and it’s not a diamond necklace or a weekend trip. This communicates that you’re considerate and capable, but not trying to buy your way into her heart. It doesn’t feel like you are bribing her and not trying to force yourself into her life. Avoid anything that feels like you’re trying too hard to impress. Your consistent, confident presence and genuine interest will impress her far more than any extravagant display.
Dedicate to Consistent Effort, Not Spikes
A single massive gesture followed by weeks of inconsistent effort is a surefire way to kill attraction. This is just the facts and the reality. Consistent, low-key effort is far more powerful than the one and done strategy. Continue to call, continue to set definite dates, and continue to be the charming, purposeful man she’s been dating. The birthday is a spotlight moment and you are showing that you value her special day, but it’s the underlying consistent rhythm that builds lasting attraction.
Practice Self-Amusement & Confidence
Your internal state is everything. Go into this birthday date with the attitude that you’re a catch, and you’re offering her a great experience because you enjoy her company, not because you need her approval. This genuine self-amusement, inner strength, and confidence will radiate and make the evening even more enjoyable for her. If you’re stressed about “how big” to go, you’re coming from a place of fear, and that energy will transfer. Experience and vibes, always remember.
Giving is Sharing
Instead of thinking “I need to give her something impressive”, reframe it as “I’m sharing a wonderful experience with her”. You are not selfish. A high-value man is a man that always gives the best version of himself to the world and to his woman that he chose. This subtle shift in mindset removes the pressure of expectation and replaces it with the joy of shared moments. Instead of focusing and stressed if you are doing or not doing enough, keep in mind that she is also experiencing this herself. Don’t focus on yourself, focus on her. You’re not trying to earn anything here because you’re simply enjoying her company and celebrating her life.
Intentions Matter Most
Your plan is solid. The speakeasy, concert, small gift, and flowers are a well-rounded approach that shows thoughtfulness without being overwhelming or desperate. You’ve hit a sweet spot for seven weeks into a relationship that just went exclusive.
Again, I just want to tell you this because it is the most important thing in all of your relationships and if you want to keep them long-term: Your intentions are more important than the material cost. If you’re doing this from a place of genuine desire to celebrate her, to do it with her, to enjoy her company, and to share a good time, she’ll feel that. If you’re doing it to impress her, to validate yourself, or to try and “secure” the relationship, she’ll feel that too, and it will be a turn-off. It’s an energy thing, your woman will sense this whatever you do so keep it in mind.
Ultimately, your goal is to continue to be the confident, purposeful man who attracted her in the first place. The goal is to get her attraction level to the point that she is head over heels in love with you. It takes consistent effort so you have to put in the work. The birthday is simply another opportunity to be that man.
Execute your plan with confidence and genuine enjoyment. Then, keep observing, keep leading, and keep being the powerful man she’s chosen to be exclusive with. Don’t let the birthday be an anomaly and let it be a reflection of the consistent, high-value man you already are. This is just another for you and her, but this date is just a little more because she matters to you, so show it to her. This is why I keep saying that you need to learn the three stages of relationship dynamics, and they are the pickup, dating, and relationship stages. They all require different strategies and perspectives. Relationships are a skill, and just like any other skill, you need to practice to become better. This is why I wrote “The Art of Dating” so we men can understand how women think and so that we can achieve the relationship of our dreams. Goodluck to you good sir!
