Hi, I’m Coach A-Man, and today I would be breaking down this newsletter called “Ex Wants Me To Confess To Her New Boyfriend”
Quick Summary
We have a message here from a guy who says that her ex ex-girlfriend cheated on him and lied about the affair to him. She is very manipulative and from the message, she doesn’t want to take the accountability and face the consequences of her actions. This is why vetting someone initially before things get too serious is very important. You don’t want to first get your feelings involved with a woman then later find out that she is off the rails. This is why you should date a woman first and see what she is like. Through dating you analyze how she deals with situations, how’s her family is like, are they crazy, does she have substance abuse, does she take medications, what her relationship with her father is, and how she deals with men. These are very important factors when wanting to be in a relationship to prevent stuff like this from happening. You don’t want to be stuck dealing with a woman like this. She’s crazy, a cheater, manipulator, unhinged, and even after the relationship ended she’s still making things hard for you.
So let’s go through his email.
“Ex Wants Me to Confess to Her New Boyfriend
I had dated my girlfriend for 2 years and it ended last week after she admitted to cheating on me. I am a 25 male, and my girlfriend is 24. At first, our relationship was great but then I noticed she started getting more secretive about her phone and flirting with a guy named Brad. When I asked her about it, she denied having feelings for him and made me feel bad for even asking. My suspicions grew though and I went through her phone where she implied that she had sex with him and even said she was planning to leave me within a month.
I confronted her and she denied and denied at first. I then decided to tell 2 lies. The first one was when I told her that I talked to Brad and that he admitted everything to me. That’s when she confessed she had sex about 10 different times over the past month and that she indeed was planning to leave me. I broke up with her on the spot but not before telling another lie in that he told me he was cheating on her with 3 different women.
I had no way to know if he really was cheating but yesterday, she sent me an angry message saying that I ruined the relationship that she had and that I lied to her about everything. Apparently, he had no idea what she was talking about and he angrily ended things with her. She’s threatening to hurt herself if I don’t talk to her boyfriend and admit that I lied about everything.
How do I either keep up with the lie or just say this isn’t my problem?”
Your Current Situation
Your Ex’s Manipulation
Self-harm is a classic manipulation tactic to regain control and shift the blame from them to you. It’s very cunning and narcissistic to use extreme words and threat such things and blame it on you. From a realistic aspect, the real concern here is not the well-being but the idea that she is forcing you to comply with what she wants. Her concern and anger from this situation is from her plan of monkey branching from you to the other guy being exposed and her losing her next relationship.
Brad’s Position
Brad got caught in the drama. He would be called a “pawn” here because he just got caught in the crossfire from your ex-girlfriend. Although you mentioned and “lied” about talking to him to fish out some facts about your girlfriend, he is still unimportant to you. He has no reason to believe you over her, especially now that she’s painted you as a liar. But still, he would have no problems with you because his real problem is with the woman he is dating, who is your ex girlfriend..
Your Position
You and her have no more relationship together. You have already broken up with her so she shouldn’t be your concern. But your primary goal should be to completely put yourself out of this drama to protect yourself and protect your peace of mind. You have no more responsibilities with her and you shouldn’t feel accountable to do anything because she has to fix her problems, not you. She ruined your relationship, and all you did was confirm that it was true and you walked away which is what you should do.
The Truth
What she wants from you is not just to “fix” her new relationship. The “truth” that she wants you to confess to the other guy is not just about the honesty aspect; but it’s about validating her narrative to get what she wants and taking the responsibility off of her. She wants you to take the blame for her choices that you made that affected her the way she did not like..
Distance and Prioritize Yourself
Distance Yourself
Your ex girlfriend is trying to pull you back in with her drama. Understand that you don’t want drama, and that you as a man should want a life that is easy and fun. Don’t fall for it. Don’t try to do anything with her. You are not in a relationship with her, and even if you are in a relationship with a woman like this you shouldn’t entertain or pay attention to any drama like this. What you should do is not contact her, to completely remove her from your life. Cut all communications with her right now, and make sure that you keep it that way. You don’t want to deal with a woman like, nor should you tolerate and entertain a woman like this. Block her off if you have but it is important for you and I recommend that you don’t entertain this from her. People never change, and the sooner you realise this and the sooner you get away from her , the sooner you can move on and have a more peaceful life. Block her if you have to form all forms of contacts from phone, to social media, or to even email. Make sure that any responses from her, even from the threats, are not possible because what she is doing her is trying to gain power over you and giving her the idea that she can still manipulate you like how she was sleeping with another guy when she is supposed to be with you. When you completely disappear and remove any way for her to contact you, you show to her that anything that she does doesn’t affect you and that her chaotic world is not for yours to tolerate and put any attention to. It’s not your fault that you caught her cheating on you. When you break up with her because of her actions, it was only the consequence of it. How the consequence of her actions made her feel and how it impacted her in this situation is not your fault and you have nothing to be sorry for. You were reasonable and you did not step out of line. You have shown her that she is a manipulative, toxic, and disloyal woman, now you just have to step back and let her deal with the result of it.
Prioritise Yourself
You have already done the hardest part, which is leaving the relationship so I congratulate you for that. You have made a decision to leave because you know that you have value that you can offer and because you have self-respect and because you know that you deserve someone better than her. You have broken free from a relationship that is built on lies and betrayal. Under any circumstance, like what you did is what all men should be doing. To not be rude and abrupt, offer yourself in a relationship, give your best, and when you are not being treated as how you want to be treated then you just walk away and you never look back.
What you did here uncovered that she is cheating and you left to protect yourself to not be hurt anymore. Now your next goal is to maintain that distance from her and to keep your freedom. Under any circumstance you should engage in any more arguments or to “try” to explain anything to her or to her new boyfriend. Doing so will only pull you in her drama, empower her to continue to manipulate you and give you drama, and drag you more into her problems. Her threats when she say that she is gonna do harm herself is just her trying to control you and blame it on you. So you should maintain distance from her forever so that your attention can be used somewhere else who will benefit you or to someone new. What she is doing here is take the blame and pressure off of her, and point it at you. Don’t entertain it under any circumstance.
Move On
Your energy always should be directed towards you growing and improving as a person. The reason you left is because you’ve reached the end of your journey with your ex-girlfriend and there is no more room there for growth. It will rather drag you down if you entertain and tolerate it. You are your own person and she is her own person. You are not her “daddy” to try and fix her and tolerate such disrespect. She did this to her relationship, not you. As someone with a strong inner strength, you want to be treated of the same value. What you want is positive and fun experiences. Not drama and stress. Remember that what you do becomes you. When you entertain negative manipulation and negative energy into your life, you weaken yourself and signal to others that you are susceptible to it. What you should do instead is direct that energy instead into improving your life. Set some goals and achieve them, and build yourself a future that will free you from drama and stress. That’s what we want as men. Life is already hard, so don’t put extra drama into your life. Know that you treat people how you want them to treat you. Set clear boundaries on what you want and what you don’t want and always remember to enforce it. In your situation here, what you should do is nothing and move on.
What You Should Do
Your Mindset
Your priority and well-being is the priority. Remember that you are not responsible for her choice, emotions, or relationships. You walked away and broke up with her because you don’t want to tolerate a disloyal and a lying woman. Remember that her threats to you are manipulation. Do not take them personally or literally. She is just saying what she is feeling here, that she’s hurt and she just wants you to feel it too because it’s designed to control you. So disregard and move on. The only thing you can control here is how your mindset is and what your actions are. Pulling away and not giving her anymore attention is your most powerful tool here. Any interaction you give her will only fuel her drama so remove yours.
Steps You Can Do
Step 1: Immediate and Permanent No Contact
Remove ways for her to contact you. Block her number, unfriend/unfollow/block her on all your social media platforms, block her email address, do no respond to her from any contact from her from any messages, calls, or any attempts of her to try contact you through mutual friends or any other means, and don’t reach out to the other guy as well as this will only give you more drama and remember that he is her problem not yours.
Step 2: Disregard Her Threats of Self-Harm
Do not engage or entertain her threats from within this situation. Responding to it will only validate that her manipulation is working and she will only do it more. But if it’s a genuine concern and you truly believe that she is in an immediate danger, which is highly unlikely given that she is trying to manipulate you and she is hurting from losing her relationships, then what you should do is contact an authority or a local emergency service, like police, mental health crisis, ambulance, etc., and inform them about the situation. I highly doubt that is the case, but do contact authorities if there is danger. Tell them about the situation and you are concerned for well-being but do it anonymously or let them know that you don’t want any direct involvement with her. Understand that this is your last resort and keep in mind that what you want to do is distance from her. Remember that the idea is no contact.
Step 3: Focus on Your Personal Growth
Acknowledge and process your emotions. You are feeling heartbreak because you just lost a relationship still. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, and annoyed. But remember that you should channel and direct this energy that you’re feeling into investing in yourself. Hit the gym, find new hobbies, do new routines, entertain the idea of a new woman/relationship, spend time with friends and family, focus on your work, or start a new business. Do anything to keep your mind off the relationship and channel it into something that will make you better. Do not engage with her under any circumstance and do not discuss it with her mutual friends. If she gets brought up, remember to just politely change the subject or just stand your ground that you don’t want to no longer discuss any topics around it. Remember to reinforce your boundaries. know that you’re worth something and that there are other women who are loyal and communicate better out there and they would enjoy having a man like you. Do not feel guilty that you broke up with her. She is a toxic woman and you don’t want someone like that. Remind yourself that these issues are for her to deal with. She is a liar and they would lie then and they would lie again so it’s best to move on from her.
