Hi, I’m Coach A-Man and today I would be breaking down this newsletter called “She Is Messaging An Ex”
Quick Summary
Let’s talk about a situation that many of you might find yourselves in, and how to handle it like a man of value. A reader wrote in with a very common dilemma that I’m assuming most of you would have also experienced. Usually, when a woman leaves the guy and the guy is clueless to what happened, this is typically what leads you to do your research on how to get her back. It’s always unsettling when a girl leaves you, I’ve been there and have done that. Rejection breeds obsession. With the guy here on our newsletter, his long-term girlfriend has been actively searching for and messaging her exes on social media, guys that are her old one-night stand, ex boyfriends, and sexting buddies. He claims that he’s aware that she has been unfaithful to her previous relationships and he thought that she had changed. For you reading this, this should be a good reminder for you guys to avoid this from happening to you. You have to understand that people never change. You have to see people for who they are. You have to understand that even if you catch them doing something that you don’t like and have a big argument about it, they’ll only change and curate an image for you but behind the scenes they’ll only hide it better. People don’t change.
So let’s go through his message.
She Is Messaging Her Exes
So I posted a thread the other day regarding my partner searching for her exes on Facebook. I was asking for advice as to whether it was weird or not. It turns out she is messaging a couple of them. She had searched for around 10 guys and she had started messaging two. I don’t know what about but I’ve seen notifications.
It’s a relationship that’s been multiple years long and it feels odd that she would be seeing what they were up to now, especially as some of these people she was searching for were just people she slept with once or twice or sexting buddies. It’s not like a long term ex that I have feelings for.
As a backstory, when we originally met and became a couple a little while ago, I found out that she was receiving dick pics from a guy and also still sending messages in return. She pretended it was just a distant friend who mucked about but years later I found out they had actually slept together. There was also another ex she regularly chatted to in a similar way but more just about their sex lives. I at the time found this odd and confronted her. She said it wasn’t a big deal and made out like I was in the wrong, it took a little while for her to shut it down. Now alongside this she was very cagey about her past, I understand ashamed but it was more just lies regarding what she had been up to.
I’m aware she has always had an issue of being faithful in past relationships but bar that slipped up at the start I always thought she had changed, now it is clear that she actually has been doing something that I would say is inappropriate. How best to handle this?
She’s Not Loyal And She Doesn’t Respect You
First, let’s address the main issue about this whole thing. The most important thing in any relationship is trust and respect. No relationship will ever function without it. In a healthy, exclusive, intimate, and romantic relationship, both partners should feel secure and be each other’s primary emotional and romantic focus. The idea is you scratch my back and I scratch yours. When one partner is actively seeking out and engaging with past sexual partners, it only shows a severe lack of respect for the current relationship and a disregard for their partner’s feelings and breaking his/her trust.
This isn’t just “weird” or “a little odd” one time recurrence. No one ever does something that doesn’t represent who they are. She’s given you already the signs that she’s not loyal to her previous relationships. It’ll be a big mistake to assume that she’ll change or that she’s not that anymore because you can change her. That is a false belief because that is not reality. People will lie as easily as breathe. The key to understanding women is to not believe what they say but to watch what they do. If she’s been messaging other guys and talking to previous exes, then what she is showing to you is that she has no respect for your relationship, or any previous relationships, she’s a cheater, and that she’s not a family type of woman. She’s a one night stand type of woman. It’s a significant red flag. What good loyal woman would be texting other guys and exes while being in a relationship? She’s messed up. You don’t need to save her nor should you want to. That’s what she is. You just have to see people as what they truly are, not who you want them to be or not what she says she is. Let her talk and all that but you have to watch her actions because that’s what her true intentions are. When your girlfriend is reaching out to exes, especially those with whom she had purely sexual connections with and ones who she’s been sexting with, it screams that she’s either one of these things:
- Seeking Validation: She’s looking for attention from other guys, looking for possible options, and craving to be desired by other men, which all indicates that she’s not fully happy with or secure in your relationship, or perhaps she’s not getting the validation she needs, or thinks she needs, from you.
- Keeping Options Open: What she is doing based on her actions is that she is looking for other options and keeping it open for that next new and better guy. A woman who is truly “in love” and committed to you and your relationship will only be focused on you. If she is happy with you, then she will block and not ruin her chances with you of having a long term relationship with the hopes of having a family in the end. A good loyal woman will not look through her past hook-ups and how they are doing and not open up herself and be acting like she is single.
- Testing Boundaries: She might be testing your boundaries to see what she can get away with. If she is this type of woman, then she would constantly be testing you, even though you’re already in a relationship with her, just to see how far she can go with you. If you don’t address this firmly, she will continue to push through. If she keeps getting away with it, then it’s only a matter of time until she fully loses respect with you and until she finds a new replacement.
The backstory here is crucial. The past is what determines the future. This isn’t a one-off “slip up”. No one does something that is not a true direct representation of what and who they are. People can hide what they truly are 3 months into a relationship. Once she shows you an odd, unnatural, or some habit that you don’t like such as cheating or talking to other guys 3 months or so in the relationship, then that is her true character. It’s up to you then what you do next, but me personally I wouldn’t want a woman who’s like that. I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly at night because I’m worried that my woman is out there at some other guy’s house and pretends to be loyal in front of you. Understand that this is a pattern of behavior that suggests that she has deeper issues with being faithful and being honest. It’s not your job to fix her. She previously lied about messaging with her exes and receiving inappropriate messages. When someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them. Her past actions are predictors of future behavior if nothing changes. If you choose to stay, you have to ask yourself if you can handle this again because there is a really high chance that this will happen again.
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What You Should Do
As a man of value and self-worth, you shouldn’t beg, plead, or tolerate disrespectful behavior. You communicate your boundaries clearly and then observe if her actions align with her words. And when your boundaries are crossed, then you have to be the man and cut off the relationship. The idea is to give your best in your relationship, and if you don;t feel like you are not getting the same value, then you just get up, politely say your goodbyes, and leave the relationship.
Direct and Calm Communication
What you first need to do is to have a serious, direct, and calm conversation with her. You have to sit her down and have a deep chat with her about these issues. It bothers you and you don’t like it so you have to stand up for yourself. It doesn’t mean yelling, accusations, or being rude. A high-value man will never do these things. The idea is to just state the facts that bothers you, how her actions made you feel, and to communicate with her. Tell her something along the lines of, “I saw notifications that you’ve been messaging exes, including people you only slept with once or twice. Given our past discussions and the history of dishonesty, this is completely unacceptable to me. It makes me feel disrespected and that you’re not fully committed to this relationship” or “My expectation in a committed relationship is that both partners are exclusively focused on each other, and not seeking attention or connection with past romantic or sexual partners. This behavior breaks my trust.”. The idea is what you want to communicate to her about what is on your mind and not bottling it. You have to talk about it as soon as you can because the longer you hold and bottle it, it will just explode in passive aggressiveness or maybe abuse later on which is what you don’t want.
State Your Boundary
This is where you draw a clear line. You have to put a boundary and set it. Since she has been messing up badly and doing things that are draining you as a man, you have to set and tell her your boundaries. The idea is to determine your boundary, set it, set the consequences, and when it is crossed you have to be the man and enforce it. It doesn’t mean you should hurt her or abuse her emotionally, verbally, or physically, but the idea of the boundary should be is that you should tell her that you want her in a relationship but if this keeps going then tell her that you are going to have to go so you can be single and look for the woman who respects you and you can let her do what she really wants. Another line that you can use is along the lines of “For this relationship to continue, this behavior needs to stop immediately and completely. I need to know that you are genuinely committed to me and to building a future with me, and that means cutting off all contact with these exes and all these other guys. If you can’t or won’t do that, then we have a fundamental incompatibility, and I won’t be able to stay in this relationship because I deserve someone who respects and loves me”. The idea here is to set your boundaries, set it to whatever you really want, and stand on it.
Observe Her Actions, Not Just Her Words
When you are talking and communicating about these issues, watch how she responds, talks, and listen to you. Look for subtle signs if she’s paying attention or not. When you guys are chatting, she might get defensive, minimize the argument, take accountability for it, not take accountability for it, or promise to stop. Whatever she says, just take mental notes about everything that she does and says. What you should do next is not listen fully to what she says but pay attention to what her actions are after this conversation. Does she genuinely stop? Does she delete the messages? Does she unfollow them? Or does she continue to engage in secret? That will determine if she really wants to stay in your relationship or not. Read her actions, and not listen to her words. If she continues, or if you catch her again, then she has clearly demonstrated that she either doesn’t respect you and she’s shown you that you and your relationship don’t matter to her. She doesn’t value the relationship enough, or isn’t capable of being faithful. Then if it’s like this, then you have to follow through your boundaries with her and execute the consequence and leave her.
Be Prepared to Walk Away
This is the most crucial part of being a man of value. To leave when you are not wanted and respected regardless of how you feel and what your emotions are. If she cannot or will not change this behavior, then you must be willing to walk away. As a man of high-value, if you set your boundaries and set the consequences for it, then you have to follow through. You deserve a partner who respects you, values you, and is fully committed. You don’t want a woman like this in the long run anyways. She’ll only give you more problems and she’ll just constantly push your boundaries, and if you don’t know how to set boundaries and the consequences, then she’ll just continually push you around until she will just monkey branch from you to another guy. Staying in a relationship where you are constantly disrespected and lied to will erode your self-worth and attract more of the same. You will only hurt yourself more. It’s going to be much easier to just cut it off and heal that way, than stay and later on just regret it staying. You’re a man of high value and you want a woman who is loyal and committed to you. You don’t want to be her doormat, so don’t be her doormat. You don’t want to be her “Plan B”, so don’t be her “PPlan B” or her “Option” while she keeps other men on the back burner. Understand that if you walk away, do it with dignity and resolve. Go “No Contact”, unless co-parenting or shared property requires limited, business-like communication. Read my newsletter “What Are The Biggest Mistakes Men Make That Push Her Away” for a more detailed breakdown. This will give her the space to feel your absence and decide if she truly wants to be with you on your terms. The key is to walk away. It might be hard for you to do, but it is highly effective to get what you truly want.
Important Considerations
For your situation, I would highly recommend that you should just leave her now and move on with your life. She’s not good for you man. You don’t want a woman like this in your life. It’s hard to admit it, but it’s the reality. It’ll hurt more ignoring reality but these are the facts. She’s a one night stand type of girl. She’s the type of woman for men to lose their virginity to or a hookup when you leave after the clubs, but a good, loyal, family woman she is not. I’m sorry to say it and hurt you but I have to give you the facts. That is the bottom line. You mentioned that she was cagey about her past relationships due to “shame”. While shame can be a factor, consistent lying, especially about things that impact the relationship, is a red flag regardless of the underlying emotion. It’s about honesty and integrity. She has none of both. Understand that you cannot fix another person, especially people who don’t want to be saved. Her actions are showing you that this is what she is. She has to want to change and put in the effort herself. You can guide her but it’s all up to her. Your job is to set healthy boundaries and choose a partner who aligns with those boundaries. If I were you, just move on man. Remember your own value and self-worth. You are a man who deserves a respectful, honest, and committed relationship. Don’t ever settle for less. This situation calls for strong boundaries and a willingness to enforce them. A true high-value man knows his worth and won’t tolerate being treated like an option.
