Hi, I’m Coach A-Man, and today I would be breaking down this newsletter called “My Girlfriend is Asking For Me To Do More Than The Bare Minimum”
Quick Summary
We have a message here from a guy who is dating a girl and she’s been saying to him that he is doing the “bare minimum” in their relationship. What us men should understand is that men should never pursue the woman too much because this will remove the curiosity and intrigue with you. Remember that what’s too available is not valuable. Your attention should be focused on yourself and not in your relationship. Women want to chase men that they are interested in. She wants a man who has his purpose, knows it, and doesn’t let anything stop him from chasing and achieving them. When it’s the other way around, you ruin the polarity making yourself look more feminine and making your woman feel masculine because she’s overwhelmed by your presence. Remember that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
So let’s go through his message.
My Girlfriend Is Asking For Me To Do More Than The Bare Minimum
I (18m) have been dating my gf (18f) for about 6 months now. She has recently sat me down and told me she’s felt like I’ve been doing the bare minimum. She says that I have been lacking since around 2 months into our relationship in terms of the small things. I responded with “I write you love letters like every other week” and she said well that’s the standard you set since we got together. She is also adamant that I don’t buy her extravagant things. (I’ve been planning to buy her a promise ring so idk now). I just don’t know what else to do. I buy her flowers, write her letters, and am very present emotionally. I’m not a super crafty guy and am very bad with art so I’ve kinda ruled out the crafts. Now that she’s sat me down I feel like anything I do try to give her will be because she told me to do it and not out of love. Any advice?
Understand What She Wants
What She Wants is To Feel Secure
What your girl wants is to feel secure that she can be feminine to you. She wants you to be the “rock” and that she can open up to you. You shouldn’t be affected by her emotions into “doing more”, but rather understand how she thinks and understand that what she wants from you is for you to date her. In her mind, to show her that you care for her is through dating her. The effort of taking her out, dressing up, showing effort, taking her to places, and her talking and you just asking more so she can talk more. You invite her to open up to you and to have fun with you. What you’re doing here when you write her love letters, letters, and presents this way is that it feels like you are forcing to show you that you care for her. Although the effort is nice, what you want is for her to communicate more to you, to take her out, go on dates, and let her talk and flirt with you back and forth. Don’t buy presents and all of these to “bribe” her to convince her that you love her. Show it to her that you care for her by communicating and talking with her, taking her out on dates, and flirting with her back and forth.
Let Her Chase And Wonder About You
It is a scientifically proven fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. On the other hand, when you are too obvious or too desperate for her love and attention she will be repulsed by you. Read “Why ‘Applying Pressure’ Chases Her Away” and “What Are The Biggest Mistakes Men Make That Push Her Away?” for a more detailed breakdown. What she’s feeling when you “do” too much by giving presents, love letters, flowers this way is you’re making her uncomfortable and “bribing” her to want you. Remember that she is a woman and they fall in love differently to how us men fall in love. What you want to do is flip it around. Women want to chase you and think about you. This will allow her to be curious and when she is curious and wanting your attention, then that’s when you set a date and you show your love to her on the date by communicating and talking to her. She wants to work for your love and she doesn’t want to be “bribed” for her love. She wants you to see her for who she is and how you do that by talking to her and asking her questions. Focus on your own life, what you want to do, and make your life the priority not hers. Find something else to do or work on so the relationship is not your whole focus. Although she wants to feel loved by you, you have to let her come to you at her own pace. If she wants you then she’ll chase you. This is what you want to be in.
After her “bare minimum” complaint, what you don’t want to do is immediately message, talk, and pursue her. Instead, what you should do is increase your focus on your own life. What you want to do from here is slowly pull away and message her less. What you want her is to chase you. So what you want to do here is pull away, and let her message you first. When you do interact with her because she messaged you first after pulling away, then you should set a definite date to see her, and when you two are on the date be genuinely happy and talk to her by asking her questions about her and things that you know she will be talking about. But remember to be cooll and don’t obsess over her reaction too much. Go back and forth with her. The concept of what you want to do here is be less available by pulling away so she can wonder about you and she can then slowly chase you, then when she do message you after pulling away then just set a date in person and have fun that way. Talk to her and I mean when you talk to her do the 80/20 rule. Letting her do 80% of the talking and the 20% is just you asking her questions so she can talk more. Why this strategy works is because you’re less predictable, and less available (because you are genuinely loving your life and focusing on getting better), she then begins to wonder and be curious about you, miss you, and instinctively pursue you. This will make her go into her feminine energy by letter and chase the masculine energy. And when you’re on the date, what you should do then is have fun, rinse, recycle, and repeat.
Speaking The Women Language
Since men are logical, we usually tend to forget that women speak a different language to us. Understand that women are emotional creatures. What women feel towards us men is shown through her actions and how they say things rather than what they actually say. She feels, not just hears. Feel what they are trying to say and don’t listen to what she is saying. Women respond to feelings, not logic. When she says that you are only doing the “bare minimum”, she is saying to you that your relationship is lacking connection and passion. There’s no love and there’s no spark from her end because she is not feeling what she is supposed to be feeling, which is wondering and thinking about you. When you chase too much and show that you like her more than she likes you, then what you are doing is ruining the polarity between you two. The ideal relationship dynamics is when the woman is chasing the man more than he is chasing her. Instead of explaining and defending your points that you “show her” that you love and care about her by writing love letters, giving presents, and flowers, what you should do instead is demonstrate your value and intentions to her, rather than a direct logical response to her complaint. Understand that it’s her feeling that you’re responding too, and not literally what she is saying. Let your actions show her that you care. Why this would work is because what women are doing when they do this is testing you by pulling away and/or letting you know that they are unhappy, and they test if you are confident enough or to see how much you really want her. In her mind if you do love her, then you would understand what she is feeling and communicating to her.
You can never win an argument with a woman. It’s gonna be like talking to a wall. It’s much better to understand how she thinks so you can change your actions rather than talk to her and expect her to be more logical, which she will never want to do. Understand the 80/20 rule of conversation. In a healthy and loving relationship dynamic, the woman does 80% of the talking and the man does the 20% of talking. The idea is for you to be present with her, show her that you are listening because the 20% of the time that you are talking is just you asking the questions that will make her talk more. You lead the interactions this way. Remember that whoever ask the questions is the one who is leading the conversation. She wants you to lead, that’s why she’s complaining to you. It’s not literally about you doing the “bare minimum”, the main issue is you don’t, communicate, or date her as much as you should be. When you are together in person, try and ask her and genuinely try to know how her day went, what her thoughts are, and what she is feeling. Ask open-ended questions like “What was the best part of your day?” or “Tell me more about x”. Any questions that will make her talk about herself. Listen with genuine interest, say some back to her to show that you heard what she said, avoid interrupting her and only talk about yourself when she asks you. Why this works is because when she feels truly heard and understood, she will feel emotional connection with you. Listening more creates space for her to open up and come to you, and this is what you want because this is what builds intimacy, trust, and shows her that you do value her and you understand her truly.
Courtship and Dating Never Stops
Dating Never Stops
A man should know that what you do to get her is what you do to keep her. Dating never stops. Us men’s role in the relationship is to initiate the dating and always to lead it. A man knows that dating and courtship never stops once you’re in a relationship. If you stop dating her, then another man will. Set the tone of the relationship and lead it where you want to go. What you should do is set dates, pick a location, and plan activities for you and her to do. Don’t ask her what she wants to do, ask her to join you because you want her company. Never ask “What do you want to do?”. You should instead give her choices like “I was thinking we could go to this new italian place, or try this jazz club that you mentioned. Which sounds better for you?”. Have a clear plan, or options for her to choose from, but be flexible if she has a strong preference. When you lead this way and you do it consistently, it makes her feel safe and you allow her to relax into her feminine energy to have fund and open up to you which then makes you more masculine and it further increases the polarity and attraction off the relationship.
Pull Away and Wait For Her
Women are like cats. Like cats, if they don’t feel comfortable or when you grab them and force the cat to be petted because you want to pet it, what the cat will do is just push you away, try to get away from you, or at worst scratch you. Women are like this in this sense. Like cats, you have to make them want to come to you. You make yourself interesting, more fun, more decisive, and more masculine. This will make her chase you and increase her attraction. Women don’t say this because women think that us men should already know. But that’s not the case most of the time. Understand that women naturally want to pursue the men they desire. Like cats, if you chase it, it’ll run away. If you ignore it, it comes back to you. What you should do is create opportunities for her to reach out and pursue you. Not the other way around. What you should do first, like I previously said, is to distance yourself and pull yourself away from her because you have been over-pursuing her. Don’t reach out for any reason. It may take hours, days, or weeks but don’t message her for any reason. If you pull back this will make her wonder about you and this is what you want her to feel about you. It may take hours, days, or weeks, but do pull away from her and wait for her to message you. Don’t be rude when she messages if she’s rude for any reason. Just keep easy, light, and fin. Wait for her message because she will message you first if you don’t. Then what you should do next is set up a definite date for her and you to go to or do. From here on wards, you should then see her in person and do the 80/20 rule where she is doing 80% of the talking and you the 20%. Be warm, relaxed, fun, and enthusiastic when you interact with her. Why this would work is because if she is pursuing you, then she is showing that she has high attraction for you and that she is invested in your relationship. Remember that over-pursuing pushes her away and it makes you weak to her, so just do the opposite and wait for her to come back.
Balance of Attraction and Respect
Remember that what you want to be in is the fine line and balance between showing her that you are attracted to her and maintaining distance to create respect. Too much familiarity can breed contempt. A good and healthy relationship is the balance between masculine and feminine, and the balance of presence and distance to ensure that your value is valuable and respected. While being emotionally present and having feelings for her, you have to generate a life outside of her and have your own personal interests outside of the relationship. You should avoid being available too much and becoming her “servant” so that when you do get together it’s much more fun and enjoyable for you both. It makes your time together fun for her, but also have a life outside of her and make yourself a little “out of reach” so that you’re not “boxing” her in too much by over-pursuing. Why this will work is because it creates a scarcity for your time and attention. You have already given her too much, making her feel too much emotions rather than her questioning and wondering about you so you should step back a little bit. She’ll appreciate you more this way and it will solve your problem when she says that you’re doing the bare minimum.
