Hi, I’m Coach A-Man, and today I will be breaking down this newsletter called “My Girl Went on a Girls Trip”.
Quick Summary
It’s from a guy who said that his girl went on a girls trip. Based on his message, she’s not been doing very loyal things. He said she went on a girl’s trip with two other girl friends who are also in relationships. They’ve been bar hopping and clubbing every night on the girl’s trip and one of the nights, the guy and his girl were on a call and she mentioned some words that a loyal woman shouldn’t be saying. She was entertaining this guy in one of the clubs/bars and she said that she was distracting her for her friends then the guy overheard her entertaining the idea that the guy wants to hook up with her. He said that they have been in a relationship for 6 years.
So let’s go through his email.
“My Girl Went On A Girls Trip
My girl went on a girls trip. I am 35, and she is 32. Her friends are 34 and 33. Mind you they’re all out drinking every night at bars and clubs. Crowd is a little young for my taste but what gets me is they’re talking and flirting with other dudes. We’ve been together for 6 years. Her friends have been with their partners for 10 and 8 years! Granted my girl called me last night and said her friends are being sluts she didn’t like it but she proceeded to say prior to the phone call she was entertaining a 3rd dude to keep him busy so her friends can talk with his friends. I said, “Did you tell him you’re taken? She says no l asked him how much money is in his bank account. WTF. Then later that night she sends me a video of her friends with some dudes and she says “Whoops I pissed off the guy who wanted to hook up with me”?!?! I’m loyal asf you would never catch me entertaining any other women. This really isn’t sitting right with me. What do you think?”
Your Reality
Reading from your email, I can already tell that things are not looking very good. I am here to give you facts to solve your problem and see it as it is and not how you want it to be so you can be better. She went on a “girls trip” with two of her other friends. They went to clubs and bars drinking every night, with her friends openly drinking, flirting, and talking with other men at the said bars and clubs. When you guys were on a call, which I am assuming you called her because you want to know what she is doing, your girlfriend openly admits that her friends are “being sluts” and that she “didn’t like it”. She mentioned to you that she was “entertaining a 3rd dude” to keep him busy so her friends can “talk” with his friends. Because you were worried about what is happening, you asked her if she mentioned to the “3rd guy”, the one she was entertaining, that your girl is taken but she said no. But she instead asked him how much money is in his bank account. She also sent you a video of her friends with other men and you hear your girl in the video say, ”Whoops! I pissed off the guy who wanted to hook up with me.”. You also mentioned that you’re loyal to her and that you would never do anything like this. This must be very uncomfortable for you.
Emotional Impact To You
What you’re feeling when you say, “This really isn’t sitting right with me” is normal after your situation. What you’re feeling is betrayal, disrespect, confusion, anger, sadness, and insecurity. I gotta say it to you straight up. Your girl is not a loyal woman. The reason why she went on a girl’s trip is for her to test the waters. She’s opening herself up again to other men like she is single. When you asked her if she mentioned to the guy that she was taken, she straight up said no. That is a big sign and it’s not a good sign. The fact that she is bar hopping is a big no-no. A good loyal woman wouldn’t do anything like this. A good woman wouldn’t put herself in a position that will allow other men to pursue her, broadcast that she is single, and let alone entertain conversations. A good loyal woman would cut it off and move on. I’d say to you that it’s a completely normal feeling to feel this way. You feel weird because something is weird. Your woman is not loyal and she crossed a boundary, that’s why you feel weird. I also understand what you’re feeling. You’ve been loyal and your values are aligned with it, then this came around and it ruins the whole dynamics because you got lied to.
Behavioral Patterns
Birds of the same feather flocks together. Like that old adage, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”. Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future. Her friends are overtly flirting and being “slutty” with other men, and they’re in a relationship as well. She also is actively participating in entertaining other men. She can frame it however she wants to frame it, but look through her actions so you can understand her true intentions. She’s joining in on the “fun”. If you look at it realistically and logically, she is creating these as a diversion hoping that her misbehavior will slip through. Again, no loyal woman would act nor would want to like this. And if she’s not acting like a loyal woman, then she would be acting like a disloyal, untrustworthy woman wouldn’t she. I have to tell you your truth. It might hurt but it is what is.
She explicitly refused to acknowledge your relationship status. Like the old adage, “If they tell you who they are the first time, believe them”. No one says things or does things that is not a direct representation of who they are. I mean what good loyal woman would be talking to a guy who wants to hook up with her? That is just very disrespectful and it just shows you that she lacks remorse for you, doesn’t respect you as a man, and doesn’t respect boundaries when she is supposed to be in a relationship. Isn’t what she’s doing opposite to what she was saying when she claims that she dislikes that her friends are being “slutty”? Then you hear something like this from her? She’s a liar and cheater. Just try and think about the other clubs and bars that they went to that you know nothing about. She’s not respectful. This reveals her true character to you, and also reveals how she is with her friends’ influence.
The Truth in Your Relationship
The biggest issue is that she breached the relationship boundary, and ruined the trust and loyalty within the relationship. If you guys are in an agreement that you two are in a committed exclusive relationship, then she shouldn’t be doing these. She’s not being loyal. You did your part and you did nothing wrong here, and that you stayed loyal. But romantic relationships is between two people. It takes two to tango. If she’s not capable of being loyal, then she won’t and she never will.
Your perceived loyalty as you agreed to is not the same as how she sees loyalty. She might have said one thing previously, but always take words with a grain of salt. Look beyond it and look at her actions. Actions will show you that words can’t. In your situation, you are loyal and she is not. Her actions just with this scenario is unacceptable, at least for me. It shows a lack of respect for you, what you want, and for your relationship. As a man, we most value respect over love how a woman will value love over respect. Love can’t exist without trust, and she broke your trust. That’s the bottom line.
I mean she uses selective honesty towards you. This is why you feel weird. You feel weird because your instinct tells you that there is something else. Follow what your instinct tells you. It’s telling you something and you have to listen. Ask yourself too, when you look at her and you see her again, does/will she make you uncomfortable and uneasy? Do you have questions that you want to ask her but scared to know what the answer to that will be? These are all a good sign to test and ask her to what her opinion of you and to your relationship is. But from my perspective, these are not good signs
What You Should Do
Your Mindset Principles
The first thing that you have to do is respect yourself and don’t tolerate disrespect. Know and set your boundaries. Know your worth and what you deserve. You’re a loyal man and know that you deserve a loyal woman too. Your loyalty is your strength, not your weakness. What your weakness is to be taken advantage of by her and it’s a weakness when you tolerate it.
Understand that low character women are only loyal when they’re happy. Ask yourself, is her behavior an indication of low character? Is her loyalty conditional only? Is she only loyal if you’re doing all the work to make her happy and she’s not loyal if you don’t do so? Is this a one-off, significant mistake? Or is it a sign of s behavioral pattern from before too?
“Women are naturally designed to seek a man’s attention, to test him, to see if she can be exclusive with him in hopes in the end that they have a family and babies.”. While women seek male attention, the type of attention and how they handle it while being in a supposedly committed exclusive relationship is key to know what her true characters is. In your situation, how she handled the attention clearly shows that she’s not thinking about a future together, at least with you.
At the end of the day, you don’t want somebody like this. You don’t want a woman whose feelings are unclear with you. You want a woman to fight for you, or even argue with her friend to defend you behind your back. She has to be in love with you for a relationship to work. Life is already hard. What you want in a woman is to be a source of warmth and comfort for you. When you get home from work, you want to go to her and because she loves you and she shows you, it melts your discomfort and pain away and lets you go back to work again better. With your woman in this situation, she’s anything but that. It’s the exact opposite. She adds stress to your life. She’s on the edge with her feelings with you. At worst, she’s already starting to explore other options.
This will be emotionally draining. It’s not easy, especially when your feelings are involved. So be strong, focus on self-care, focus on self-respect, and practice emotional resilience. Maintain your composure and control your inner strength when you address this to her. If you think you’re ready, have a sit down with her and have a deep heart to heart chat. Tell her your concerns, set your boundaries, maintain it, and if it is crossed, then you must do what you have to do even if it is hard. Define to her and yourself what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship.
Steps You Should Do
What you should do first is set your mindset right so your approach will place you in the best position. Read ‘Your Mindset Principles’ again, the one just the one above this heading. Always be calm, make sure your communication and your words when you talk with her should be clear, direct, and with purpose. Do not accuse her and be rude, but do state how her actions made you feel. Use “I” statements when you talk to her. They should sound along the lines of “I felt disrespected when you told me you were entertaining another man and asked about his bank account. I felt disrespected when you dismissed our relationship to me and in front of the guy. It doesn’t sit right with me and it makes me uncomfortable”.
Ask questions and look for clarification, and accountability from her end. Ask about her intentions with you and your relationship. Try to understand how she sees loyalty. Try asking her if it’s acceptable to behave that way. Ask her about, “What did you mean by ‘entertaining a 3rd dude to keep him busy?’”, “Why did you ask him about his bank account?”, “What did you mean by ‘Whoops! I pissed off the guy who wanted to hook up with me?’”, “Do you understand how this makes me feel, given my loyalty to you?”, or “What would you feel if I’m out there in the club/bar doing and saying the same exact things?”. Ask her a lot of questions about everything. As she responds, observe her. Does she show genuine remorse, understanding, accountability, and willingness to change? Or does she deflect, minimize, blame, and redirect the issue? How she responds and reacts to all of these are very important, so you have to pay close attention. All of these are crucial for what you should do next.
Your Long-Term Goal
Define Boundaries
Write down your goal, clearly articulate and define it. What you should focus on mostly when you do this is to know your non-negotiables regarding fidelity, respectful behavior, and transparency in your relationship. If there’s more that you want to add, then write them down too. Add as much as you want, but the most important thing is to make sure that these are reasonable and enforceable.
As you define your boundaries, write down what the consequences should be if it is violated. Remember and take note, if you don’t set these boundaries, if you guys broke up, stayed in the relationship, or you find yourself in another relationship, another problem like this will come up again. Don’t mask the problem, look at it and face it with dignity. Set your boundaries and do something when it’s crossed. This doesn’t mean threats, violence, and all that. It’s just the understanding of how you can realistically direct yourself, her, and the relationship’s future.
Rebuilding Trust
This decision should be on you. If you decide to work through this, what actions does she need to take to rebuild trust? Set this one yourself. Do you want more transparency from her? Want her to demonstrate more loyalty? Do you want her to cut off all contact with inappropriate friends? Do you want her or not want her to go on a similar “Girl’s Trip” without prior agreement? Or is she allowed to go but you want more boundaries? Ask yourself what will make you comfortable with her and the relationship, and what she will need to do to gain your loyalty and comfort with the relationship back. Be clear about what you want and stand up for yourself. It doesn’t mean to do it with force. It just means that you need to know what you want, not tolerate disrespect, and be able to do what is good for you.
Be prepared for the outcome. You are in a transitional phase of your relationship. From my experience and my best judgement, she’s not a woman that you want to be with long-term. People don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but reality is reality. If your goal is to have kids and have a family with a woman like this, she’s gonna give you the same problems. I mean imagine that you’re at home taking care of the family and taking care of the kids, and she’s doing stuff like these behind your back. Wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? What I’m saying is just include the possibility that the relationship is not saveable. If your values and her values are fundamentally different, then it will still be like that still in a few years. It’s much better to cut it off now. The longer you leave it, the more feelings will be involved and it’ll be harder to leave. You shouldn’t tie your self-worth with the relationship and with her actions. Don’t make her or the relationship your priority. Make yourself the priority. Look at her actions and truly look at it and ask yourself if it comprises your self-respect and core values. Remind yourself that you have value and that you are loyal. Women will die for a man like that, and they are out there. You deserve someone who loves and respects you like you respect and love your relationship. You deserve someone who deserves you.
